Relocation, relocation – again (456)

by Max Akroyd

With one or two obvious exceptions, pigs are very like children. You spend all your time tidying up after them, you feel terrible if they’re poorly and they answer all attempts at conversations with merely a grunt. The other significant similarity is their impact on the world around them.

High maintenance, she is.


In comparison, goats and hens generally just are; passive witnesses to life on the farm. Pigs, on the other hand, constantly make stuff happen around them, wearing stuff out and using up resources. Accordingly, the time has come to grant access to each of the three groups of pigs to new land. And then there’s the piglets to wean and move on to their new owners. These pressing demands generate an impressive to do list:

  • Clear out hen house to accommodate piglets. Move hens in with goats. Try to stop goats being too grumpy about this.
  • Strim outline of new area for Mummy and Aunty pig to distract them while we smuggle away their piglets. Set up electric enclosure.
  • Remove piglets without getting bitten by Mummy pig, beaten up by Aunty pig or electrocuted by the electric fence. Or all three.
  • Select 4 piglets to keep and remove to Hangar. Wait a minute, Daddy pigs and Big pig are in there…
  • Create new home and outdoor area for Daddy pigs. Invent teleporter to get them into it (there ain’t no other way they’ll move).
  • Acquaint Big pig with piglets through the fence.
  • Create new outdoor area for Big pig and piglets. Unite them.
  • Retire on proceeds of piglet sale.

Phew. I’m sure office work was easier.

Another creature on the move today was a little mouse which has been co-habiting with us for the last few weeks. This morning we found him stuck in the toaster. Ignoring my entreaties to just make like a Roman and turn the toaster on, Emma took the strange cargo to the furthest edge of the field where it sat on a bench, glinting in the sun, waiting to release its passenger.


By the end of a long morning I’d completed the first item on the list. There was loads of litter in the hens’ and goats’ house which I took out on to the field and mulched yesterday’s potato bed and pea bed. There was even enough left over for the gooseberry bed and the currant bed, and to fill a bean trench too:

Bean feast


Nearly finished...


Afternoon almost saw completion – at last – of point two. A real pain in the bum job to be honest, battling brambles and tussling with titanic tussocks of meadow grass. Oh well, they’ve definitely earned it.